I’ve been known as someone who will often say what he thinks people want him to say or I will often say what I think will please people. Hey, I’m a people pleaser. I’ve not always been the best at being my true authentic self and often not voiced what I truly think and feel in an effort to please others. It’s been my goal to continue getting better at being my true, authentic self in conversations, sharing what I truly think and feel. Anything else is inauthentic. When we find out that someone has not been authentic or real with us, it can damage the trust in that relationship. I’d like to share an example that highlights what’s at stake when we are not our authentic selves, and what’s the advantage when we are.
I was once invited to dinner with a client for whom I was to train his team the next day. He told me he wanted to take me to his favorite steakhouse in town. I happily agreed to join him for dinner at this steakhouse. What I did not tell him was that I have been a vegetarian for over 30 years. We get to the restaurant, and I peruse the menu for vegetarian options, and I tell the waiter that I would like a salad, baked potato, and steamed vegetables. The client looks at me in complete dismay and confusion and says to me, “Luis, what about the steaks?” I confess,
“I’ve been a vegetarian 30 years. I’ll be fine with a baked potato and a salad.” At that point, I see a little bit of annoyance in the expression in his face. His jaw drops, he looks at me in disbelief and says, “Luis, tomorrow you’re going to be teaching my team how to be authentic and transparent… radically transparent! Yet you couldn’t do that with me when I invited you to a steakhouse? What is up with that?”
Was I embarrassed? Yes! Was that hard feedback for me to swallow in the moment? Absolutely! Yet that was some of the best feedback I had gotten up to that point. It was then that I realized I wasn’t walking my talk, and I got called out on it.
What’s my lesson here? By choosing not to be authentic and “go with the flow,” I could have damaged that good relationship. Luckily, this client was understanding and open. I shared with him that I just wanted to go with the flow, and graciously accept his invitation to dinner. I told him that I just wanted to make it easy. But his point remained: I didn’t keep it real with him. I was not authentic with him. So, by not being my authentic self in an effort to please, I did the exact opposite of pleasing, and I could have damaged that relationship and lost a client.
As I learn from this lesson and move forward, I’ve found that I’ve built trust with others as I show up as my authentic self. Do people always like what I say? No, but they respect me for being truthful and authentic. Is it always easy? Heck no, but I have found that people respect me more when I show the courage to be authentic with them, when I show that it might have been hard for me to be authentic with them, but I had the courage to do it. They respect me even more. As I practice this, it becomes easier to be transparent and authentic in all of my conversations. My relationships with others are authentic as a result.
